Another Porch Collapses, some die, "lesser tragedy" according to Police
By: Frank Williams
CHICAGO, IL - For the second time in less than a month a 3-story rear porch collapsed, causing multiple fatalities. Fortunately, this collapse happened in the city's Englewood neighborhood on the south side where death is a daily occurrence and no one of importance lives there. Several eyewitnesses report that the porch collapsed only five minutes after a city inspector looked it over, gave a seal of approval, collected his bribe from the slumlord then sped away in the General Lee car from "Dukes of Hazzard". Police are saying that somewhere between three and thirty people died, but the exact figure may never be known because as one officer said, "we're scared shitless of this dangerous neighborhood. We're gonna get this done quick and get home to Edison Park ASAP!"

Unlike the tragedy in Lincoln Park where over a dozen partygoers "shining with promise" died, the dozen or so people in Englewood were on the cusp of nothing. "Most of the people at the Lincoln Park party were graduates of New Trier High School or the University of Chicago--those kids obviously had bright futures. None of the people who died here had any futures--they all went to public schools," said Police spokesman Craig Jackson, "In fact, most were probably gang members, drug addicts or criminals and we're pretty sure one of them was going to be the next Hitler. Knowing that, it's not really a tragedy, is it?"

Forty-eight minutes after the porch fell, Streets and Sanitation personnel bulldozed the debris and corpses into a giant hole dug on the adjacent lot. An unidentified man from the City Building Department then set fire to the building while all the Police and Fire personnel responded to a Gold Coast burglar alarm.

Study: Gamers aren't all Geeks, but all are Losers
Red Face Wires
CHICAGO, IL --Roughly two-thirds of college students play video games, but the image of a nerdy guy who spends all day in a dimly lit room blowing up computer-generated bad guys is off base, according to a new study. College gamers are not necessarily male -- a whopping 7% are female and 2% are gender-neutral "He-She's". Also, gamers are not always nerds - sometimes they are geeks, dweebs, poindexters or doofuses. "Overwhelmingly, we found that all the gamers were losers," says researcher Marty McNerdly, chairman of the blow-off department at the University of Illinois at Chicago. "even the athletes who played games all the time were big-time losers."

"There's this stereotype of game slackers wasting time, goofing off, that really isn't valid," says Jenny Sperbill, an 8th-year Northwestern University Political Science major, "you can't say we are wasting our time when we can use our game skills at the DQ drive-in counter." Playing games is so common for this age group, it's almost second nature, McNerdly says. "It's common maybe in a way education was years ago," he says.

Gerald Starsky, a 19-year-old computer science nerd at the University of Eastern Maine, started playing video games, such as Tomb Raider, at age 5. He now stalks Bob Saget, waiting for the right time to sodomize him. "It takes less time to play a few games than to go to pawn shop, buy a gun and find Saget. It's easier to create him online and blow his frigging head off," Starsky says, chuckling.

Bye Bye Buddy
By: William Rentero
CHICAGO, IL -- As celebrities are dropping faster than the Cubs chance of making the playoffs this summer, the patterns continue to pile up. Last week's Red Face reported on the "Evil Dead Trifecta," where known racists Strom Thurmond and Lester Maddox died and were awaiting a third meanie to join them. Now local guitar legend Buddy Guy has reason to fear for his life.

Just days after comedian Buddy Hackett passed on, Buddy Ebsen of "Beverly Hillbillies" fame was taken from this world revealing a new pattern of celeb deaths: "Buried Buddy Trio." Since the news that Hackett and Ebsen went within days of each other, Guy, the next most prominent Buddy, has been to see the doctor several times.

"I did some research and thought I might escape it if I could fit Buddy Holly into the scheme, but it turns out that being dead for over forty years doesn't qualify as recent," Guy said. "This whole thing gives me the blues."

Guy has hired a team to check into any other famous Buddy's, but so far has come up empty handed. It still remains to be seen whether Willie Aames, who played lovable goofball Buddy Lembeck on "Charles in Charge" or Jerry Lewis/Eddie Murphy who played Buddy Love in the original and remake, respectively, of "The Nutty Professor," count. The team is also looking into any time in his career when Abe Vigoda may have been called Buddy as he is presumed to be next on the famous deceased list.

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CHICAGO, IL -- The White Sox are trying to tailor their marketing efforts and show off their latest trades. With the signing of former all-star second basemen Roberto Alomar and outfielder Carl Everett, the Sox are trying to convince fans that like the all-star game, "this time it counts."

The latest promotional campaign features Roberto with his older brother, Sox catcher Sandy, in uniform and boasting, "Chicago White Sox baseball--more Alomars for your dollar." The Sox publicity department is hoping that this new campaign will finally help the Sox outdraw the Chicago Fire, who have more season tickets sold at their suburban Naperville stadium than the Sox have this year. Not to mention they play a sport that no one in this country particularly likes.

In addition to the new slogan, there will be a new tasty tie-in at US Cellular Field. Forget hot dogs or cold beer, all vendors now sell "Alomar Mallomars". The marshmallow cookie treats, apt to melting in heat, will feature a White Sox logo on the box and every 1000th box will have an autographed photo of the Alomar boys. The new ballpark snack will retail for 79 dollars for a box of 4 cookies.

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